seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
