based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
