seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
