happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
