And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
