It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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