dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
