mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
