apparently the secret to your success is patron
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
