Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
