So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
