So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
