I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have already put on my inside pants.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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