This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Text me some of your sweat
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize