even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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