if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
