we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
