My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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