When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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