if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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