please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
