This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
