Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
