Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
