duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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