I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
