I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
i think i just lost a toe
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
