my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize