WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
