you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
