I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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