I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
