I think i peed on brittanys purse
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
