Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
