if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
