Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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