I have demons in me.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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