i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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