you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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