yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
