he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
