Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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