I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
