Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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