My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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