I think I am morally bankrupt
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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