You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
