Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
