Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
