Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
