I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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