Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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