I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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