I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize