i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
