According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
